Time...

Today was "Homecoming" at our church and, all of a sudden, the word "Homecoming" has so much meaning to me.

The day of our Homecoming last year, right before we left for church I found out I was pregnant with Kate. We were thrilled to be growing our family and thought much about the future of our children. We still talk often about their lives as adults, how they will return home to visit, and the joy we will experience having known them and helped them grow into what we hope are God-fearing, loving, Christian people.

Today, just one year later, I found out I will have little time left with my grandmother while she is still on this earth. She has liver cancer, lung cancer & bone cancer which include a tennis ball-sized mass on her liver and a large mass in her lungs. She is going to have a Homecoming like none we could ever imagine.

I've truly never been more homesick than now. We all knew she was sick; we knew there was something wrong. I just never would have imagined this magnitude. I've known for a long time that every moment I spent with my grandparents was special...almost sacred. I knew that time with them was fleeting. I'm just not ready to say good-bye and such a large part of my heart is anger fighting against thankfulness. Angry that my children will not have the unbelievable joy of knowing her like I do but thankful for the time they did get to spend together. Angry that I won't ever get to make dumplin's in her kitchen again but thankful I have so many of her recipes and can hold on to her memory through them. Angry that my grandfather will be lonely without her but thankful we'll still have more time with him.

I could go on and on, but she'd be gone before I ever finished expressing my emotions. I just wanted to journal my feelings this night. God and I have some talking to do.

Deuteronomy 32:46 reads, in part,

"Take to heart all the words I have given you today." (NLT)

Lord, I'm listening. Speak to me while I'm broken and weak. Hold my hand and my heart.