Overwhelmed...

That's the only word I know to use for my state of mind and emotional state right now. I have written this blog post in my head over and over again during the past several weeks. I have struggled with all that has been in my lap. A preschooler, a toddler, an infant, one in the womb, a sick husband (although he is much better now), directing VBS, preparing to lead a Bible study, participating in a Bible study, canvas orders, embroidery orders and the lengthy list of household chores that never seems to dwindle. I have searched my heart, I have cried, I have worried, I have procrastinated hoping something will change in the meantime. Nothing has eased the struggle in my heart and mind. Truth be told, I have yet to hand it over to the LORD.

I have prayed, although admittedly not enough. I have told the LORD all about it several times and cried about it with HIM, but I have yet to loose my grip on the emotion of it all and let HIM handle it. Don't we all do this? Or is it just me? It's as if I either don't trust HIM to handle it like I want it handled or I simply enjoy the worry and wouldn't know what to do if I didn't have it controlling me.

I know there is not more here than I can handle. I don't feel that I have accepted embroidery or canvas orders that I didn't need. I felt obligated to direct VBS at church although I don't know that it's a position I should continue to fill in the future. I know I belong in the Bible study in which I am participating. I truly feel called to lead that same study at my own church. That being said, I still have been an emotional basket case recently.

You know, we moms all get together and paste on a smile and laugh and talk about how great everything is, but let's be honest. Whether you are a working mom or a SAHM, very often you are lonely. I know I sometimes am. That's where I am now and that's where I have been for at least a month now. Just think about it. One stressor in your life can be a handful. But, as women, as MOMS, we have several stressors happening simultaneously that are completely beyond our control. First, we lose our body/shape/figure. The body we have known and become accepting of has now been changed forever and we have to learn to love it again and also work to get it back in some semblance of a shape. Then, we lose our identity. We are no longer "Paige". We are "Kennedy's mom." I love the title, but it is a change of identity that requires some adjustment. (Just being transparent here.) We are thrust into a position/job with no manual or instruction booklet. Our only source of information is OJT (on-the-job-training). Oh yeah, advice (mostly unsolicited) flows in from every corner of the free world, but more often than not, it is frustrating. We apply pressure on ourselves to have immaculate homes and picture perfect children at a moment's notice just in case someone stops by. We compare ourselves to the neighbor, the seemingly "together" moms at church, the skinny woman with the amazingly behaved child in the check-out at the grocery store. All the while, those same people are comparing themselves to us. It really makes no sense. We torture ourselves....and FOR WHAT! My GOD loves me, my husband loves me and my children love me...period.

I am challenging myself as I write this post to GIVE MYSELF A BREAK. I'm not saying I want to become a lazy wife and un-caring mother. But I do need to just accept the fact that I can only get so much done in a day. I need to let go of my grip on the self-imposed stress and let GOD handle it. I know HE can.